Easily agitated

I am very easily agitated. 

It starts with a computer that is running too damn slow. Then it's the fucking squeaking sound of my desk chair. Then all of a sudden, I am thinking about the things that other people do that piss me off that I thought I had gotten over. Simple things; like talking with your mouth full, I can ignore most of the time. But when I am already agitated by other things; if someone starts to chew/talk, I snap. Like I am always telling my girlfriend when she asks why I still look angry; I can't just turn it off. Then everyone feels like they're walking on eggshells, and I find myself apologizing to everyone for me being mad at stuff that makes me mad. I am easily agitated, and a pushover.

Things I ought to do vs. Things I actually do.

When you decide that a friendship is over, perhaps it would be best to actually confront this friend and let them know why you've decided to cut ties. I've done this in the past. But usually it just ends with me apologizing and perpetuating friendships that cause pain to both parties. If saying goodbye only hurts one person, then that, by utility, is the best choice. You don't have to explain this. Just do it.

Thoughts about 2010

Emotionally, I went through a lot.

I've made a lot of changes for the better, and as a result, I've never felt so fucking good.

I resolve that 2011 shall be bullshit free. I have nothing to lose by being honest.

I want to get away from this place.

I'm a mess.

I try so hard to be strong, but of course, I'm still weak. Give me a drink or two and it all comes rushing back.

Regrets.

I have a few. No, I have many.

I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life. The opposite, really.

But you can't just take it back. You can try and do better, but sometimes, you just don't deserve to be forgiven. Sometimes, you cannot just start new. I accept that fact. Sometimes, you cannot make amends. Sometimes, you just have to suffer. I'm okay with that.